


Between You & Me

by finsouls



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/F, Hopeful Ending, Loss/grieving, Substance Abuse, but it's not lipsoul, minor depictions of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22911199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finsouls/pseuds/finsouls
Summary: The day Sooyoung dies Jungeun and Jinsol's world is turned upside down and the distance between them becomes almost too much to repair.
Relationships: Jung Jinsol | Jinsoul/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip
Comments: 45
Kudos: 180





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Initially based off the song "11 Blocks" by Wrabel 
> 
> I want to thank M for beta reading this and helping me out and being emo with me.

**Jungeun**

Three years later and Jungeun still knew the distance between their front doors. Eleven blocks. Not even a mile away from each other; it felt too close. Maybe the time away at college would help lessen the memories, the pain. Maybe Jungeun could forget how she felt about the blonde girl before her world came crashing down around her. Both of their worlds.

But she’s home from college. Freshly graduated with an expensive piece of paper to prove it. And even though it’s been three years, those wounds are still fresh too. Despite the time, despite the distance, despite the fact that she thought she was through the last of the pain she felt…nothing feels right at all, like her whole world is tilted sideways. It was easier in college when there were no reminders of Jungeun’s sister or her. Three years Jungeun pushed them aside. She fell into a never-ending revolving door of drugs, hooks-ups, and alcohol to silence the thoughts, numb the pain, hide the guilt that kept building inside.

Jungeun thought she was okay, that she was dealing with it, that she could handle being this close to the blonde again, and this close to her sister too. She’s like a ghost around here. Jungeun’s parents don’t talk about her, they don’t open the door to the room that was once hers. Instead, they look at Jungeun like she robbed them of her, like it was her fault. And, in a way, it was. She died in that car accident and took a part of Jungeun with her.

Her parents lost one daughter and barely recognized the other.

Three years ago, she was in her first year of college, trying her hardest to hide how much she was struggling. Her first time away from home and on her own. She didn’t have her big sister, Sooyoung, to help her when she needed it; to lighten the mood and cheer her up. And she didn’t have her girlfriend, Jinsol, either. Sooyoung and Jinsol were the same age, best friends since they were in diapers. For a while, growing up, Jungeun was the nuisance of a little sister. Always trying to hang out with them and begging their parents to force Sooyoung to take her with them wherever they went.

Eventually, they became an unstoppable trio. Sooyoung, Jungeun, and Jinsol—there wasn’t one without the other two. Days and nights spent together, laughing and talking and sharing ice cream on the hood of Sooyoung’s car. They’d get coffee after school at the local cafe and milkshakes after Jungeun’s soccer games. Friday nights were spent dragging Jinsol to parties, only to leave early. Sooyoung and Jungeun could go for hours, but it wasn’t for Jinsol, and they wouldn’t dream of breaking up the trio.

The three of them were inseparable. Unstoppable. Until the day Jinsol and Sooyoung left for college.

Jungeun hated it. She went from spending every day with the two of them, to feeling more alone than ever before. She didn’t really have other friends, no one that understood her like the two of them. And then they were gone. Studying at the same college.

She tried not to be jealous that they got to see each other whenever they wanted. She was seventeen, and young, and in love with her sister’s best friend. Sooyoung got to spend time with Jinsol while Jungeun sat at home and threw a pity party thinking the blonde would certainly fall in love with some hot-shot classmate of hers.

But then they came home for winter break and the trio was back. They were different, but still the same. Sooyoung cut off her hair, she talked about her dance club friends like they were family, but always reassured Jungeun that she was number one.

“Don’t worry, Jungie,” she said one night sitting around the fire pit in the backyard. “No matter what, sisters before misters.”

“You’re not my sister,” Jungeun said rolling her eyes.

“Shut up, you may be adopted, but that doesn’t make you any less my sister.” She grinned, leaning back in her chair and tilting her head toward the sky. Her face flushed from the heat of the fire and the several drinks she had. “You’ll love college, Jungie. There are hot chicks everywhere.” Jungeun’s eyes immediately settled on Jinsol across the fire, her blonde hair illuminating in the darkness and the flames reflecting in her eyes. Her cheeks tinted red from the heat, an easy smile resting on her lips.

Jungeun’s stomach flipped as their eyes met.

“I bet there is…” she answered softly.

Jinsol kissed her the night before she went back to school. Sooyoung had gone to bed, leaving the two of them alone. She told Jungeun about her classes, her friends, and her roommate. She talked for hours about how great college was. How much she loved every minute of it even though her friends are idiots and the schoolwork was hard. It made Jungeun’s stomach twist and churn in a way she had never experienced before. She bristled with anger; jealously filling her up the more Jinsol talked happily about all these people and experiences that didn’t include her.

She couldn’t hold it in any longer, an accusation on the tip of her tongue. “Then why did you even bother coming back?” The words came out like fire, though Jungeun’s voice broke midway through. Jinsol’s eyes widened for a split second before she smiled sadly.

“Because of you, Jungie.”

“Don’t—don’t play with me like that, Soulie,” she said stepping away from the taller girl. “You know exactly how I feel about you.”

“You were, like, ten when you wrote me that love letter,” Jinsol recalled. Heat rushed up Jungeun’s neck, coloring her face at the mention of the letter that was never supposed to be read by another soul, let alone that _Soul._

“And I still mean every word I wrote.” Jungeun shakes her head, finding the courage to look Jinsol in the eyes. “Don’t say you come back for me if you don’t mean it. I can’t—I hate when you and Sooyoung leave for school. I have no one here. You both leave and I’m alone. I love you, Jinsol, and I’m okay with it not being reciprocated because at least you’ll still be my best friend. I can handle you falling in love with some nice person at school because you were never mine to begin with. But I can’t—I can’t handle it if I had a chance with you and then I lost you.” Jungeun was as far away from the blonde as she possibly could be in the tiny basement lounge that they had created. Arms crossed over her chest just to hold all those cracking pieces together until Jinsol inevitably left.

But she didn’t.

She moved swiftly across the room to Jungeun, gently cupped younger girl's face between her hands, and said, “I come back for you. It’s been you ever since I can remember; it’s always been you, Jungeun.” And then their lips met, and Jungeun was melting into the embrace. They kept their relationship a secret for a while, not wanting to make Sooyoung upset or uncomfortable. But she knew, the whole time, she told her sister that she knew. And she was happy for Jinsol and Jungie. They were still the unstoppable trio, inseparable and trouble-making. They were Sooyoung, Jungeun, and Jinsol.

Until three years ago when it became Jungeun and Jinsol.

And then just Jungeun.

And just Jinsol.

***

It’s a Friday night, and Jungeun knows the blonde isn’t the type to go out. She never really was. Jungeun leaves her parents’ house, closing the door behind her. Her mind won’t stop counting how far she is from Jinsol.

Eleven blocks.

Thirteen blocks.

Fifteen blocks.

The music is pumping out of the house Jungeun approaches. Silhouettes of bodies are moving behind the windows. She steps through the door to the party. Bodies packed tightly wall to wall. It’s hot, loud, filled with too many people she knows—too many people who know exactly the past she carries around with her. Hyejoo and Chaewon are still very much attached at the hip, they wave to Jungeun like they were friends. Maybe at one time they were, but that was before Sooyoung died. Vivi and Haseul offer her a drink, co-hosts of this ridiculous party, filled to the brim with more ghosts from her past than she cares to see. Yerim, Yeojin, Jiwoo, and Hyunjin continue their hustle at the beer pong table like they do at every party. They beckon her over, but Jungeun can’t. She can’t stand this. These people who watched week after week as she drank herself to death. Any other night, Jungeun would have waved to Hyejoo and Chae, taken the drink from Vivi and Haseul, joined the chaos that is the beer pong table.

But not tonight. It was too much. Too many people who watched night after night as Jinsol carried her out of over packed houses. Too many people who knew Sooyoung, who loved Sooyoung, who don’t mention Sooyoung anymore. She is gone and everyone else has the luxury to forget.

Jungeun doesn’t have that luxury.

Jungeun can’t forget.

She finds a door at the opposite end of the house, navigating between sweaty bodies and hands that are too grabby. The moment the cool night air hits her face she relaxes, tugging a cigarette out of the pack in her leather jacket.

Light. Inhale. Smoke billows slowly from between her lips, curling up and disappearing into the sky. Jungeun knows it a bad habit, one she picked up while Soul and Sooyoung were away at college. They were busy and rarely had time to talk to her. She just needed to pass the time, to do something. She ended up under the bleachers during lunch with a group of kids who smoked, they weren’t forever friends. They were people she could pass time with and try to ignore the pain of her two favorite people not having time for her.

Now she just smokes when she’s alone. Like right now. A house full of people and she’s alone. Always alone.

So, she smokes. She drinks. She dances with Heejin, one of the kids from her bleacher days. The dark-haired girl likes to call Jungeun her girlfriend, but really Jungeun couldn’t care less. She buys her drinks. She gets her drugs. She helps Jungeun forget that she lost the only two people in the world that mattered to her.

When she’s with Heejin, she forgets that her sister died and that her girlfriend left her because she was killing herself. She can forget that her parents won’t speak to her because she’s the reason they lost their baby girl—she can read between the lines; they lost their real daughter. It’s a realization she made when Sooyoung died, when her parents started treating her like a leech instead of a daughter. She knows they wish it was the other way around, that it was Jungeun instead of Sooyoung. Jungeun wishes for that too, but at least when she’s with Heejin she can forget all of that. All that pain, all that weight she carries around. At least with Heejin she can forget she hates herself more than anything.

When she’s with Heejin, she’s not the girl with the dead sister or the girl who’s ruining her life. She’s just Jungeun. Jungeun who can kick ass at beer pong and give good head. That’s all Heejin cares about. They don’t have to talk or be emotional. It’s just sex. It’s just drinking. And Jungeun likes the attention, she likes the feeling of being wanted and needed by somebody. Anybody.

Her parents hate her. Jinsol hates her. If Sooyoung was alive, she would hate her.

And Heejin wanted her.

But, it’s a Friday night. And Jungeun knows that Jinsol is home, probably building a Gundam or watching Zootopia for the millionth time. She’s probably in her pjs dancing to Red Velvet or trying to teach her betta fish new tricks. Or maybe she isn’t doing any of that. Maybe Jungeun doesn’t know her at all anymore.

“Lippie,” Heejin whispers in Jungeun’s ear later on in the night. Who knows how many drinks deep and unsteady on her feet, but the name causes an uncomfortable shiver to go down Jungeun’s spine. Heejin mistakes it as a good thing. “Let’s go upstairs. I want you.” Jungeun tries to shake Heejin off.

“Not now, Heej, I’m not in the mood.”

“I’ll give you a hit,” she says pulling out a baggie of weed. Her eyes are glossy and bloodshot. Dark hair sweaty and slicked back. Jungeun doesn’t know what she saw in her. She doesn’t really see much other than the complete opposite of Jinsol.

“Seriously? I’m not in the mood. Get off me.” Heejin stumbles back at the force of Jungeun’s push.

“You’re always in the mood after you have some.” She shakes the baggie in Jungeun’s face. “Come on, Lippie, have a little fun.”

“I don’t want to, now stop!” Jungeun shakes Heejin’s hold on her arm and moves to leave the party as quickly as she can, but Heejin calls after her.

“I do so much for you. I saved you from that pathetic mess you were two years ago. ‘Oh, poor me. My sister’s dead, I’m all alone.” Well, you’re not anymore. You have me, you should be grateful!” Everyone near them stops, all eyes on them as the words spill out of Heejin’s mouth.

Jungeun turns around on her heels, marching back up and into the other girl’s face. “Fuck you,” she spits. “I may have been pathetic, but at least I don’t need to drug girls to get them to sleep with me.” Several people laugh at the astonished face Heejin makes, but Jungeun doesn’t stop to watch the embarrassment flair up on her face. She rushes out the party and away from everything she let herself become.

She’s been home from school for two weeks. And this whole time, she can’t stop thinking that she’s so close to her right now. To Jinsol. To the only connection she has left to Sooyoung.

Three years in a fog of drugs and alcohol, three years a few hours away, three years without any constant reminders…it was easier then to forget Jinsol. To forget everything they had together. But now it’s just eleven blocks. Now, she’s stumbling through the street trying to get to her. To see her. To tell her how sorry she is for everything she did after Sooyoung died. But Jungeun knows that it won’t be enough.

***

Three years ago, Sooyoung was coming up to visit Jungeun at school. It was spring and she was stressed out with all the schoolwork she had to do. She missed home. She missed Sooyoung and Jinsol. One night it was too much, she called Sooyoung up crying. Her roommate kept locking her out to have sex with her flavor of the week. She failed a test. She had yet to make any decent friends.

“I hate this, Sooyoung,” she cried to her sister. “I want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“It’s only a couple more weeks and we’ll all be back together, I promise.” She tried to reassure her for hours, but Jungeun was adamant that she wasn’t going to make it through this semester. She had no hope, no motivation. Everything felt meek and meaningless. “I’m coming to you tomorrow, okay? Soulie and I will come visit for the weekend, how does that sound?”

“No, you, you both have your own stuff—”

“We don’t care, you know that. We both love you so much, and we take care of our own. Don’t act like you don’t want to see us.”

“You know I do…”

“Then we’re coming, end of story,” she said.

“Okay…”

“Come on, say it,” she teased.

“I love you,” Jungeun mumbled into the phone.

“Love you more, sis!” Sooyoung yelled cheerily, “you’ll see me tomorrow.”

She didn’t.

Jinsol and Sooyoung left their campus in the morning, it was only two hours from Jungeun. They were half an hour away from the campus when the accident happened.

Jinsol was driving and Sooyoung was in the passenger seat. They were going through a green light when a car came careening through the street. Jinsol swerved to avoid it, but instead hit a telephone pole. It collapsed on the car. Right over the passenger’s side. They were both alive when the ambulance got there.

By the time Jungeun got to the hospital, only Jinsol was still breathing.

Jungeun spiraled after that. She blamed herself. She blamed Jinsol. She drank and drank and drank until she blacked out. Every day was a different vice and every night a different nightmare. The drugs and alcohol kept them at bay. But no matter what she tried the pain was still there when she woke up. No matter what she did to push away the memory of the news, of seeing her sister cold and dead on a slab of metal, she couldn’t erase it. She couldn’t forget it. There was a gaping hole inside of her that she kept trying to fill and fill and fill, but nothing worked. It was all just a temporary fix.

Jinsol had a few broken ribs and a concussion, but she was fine. And Jungeun hated her for it. She walked away from the wreckage and Sooyoung didn’t. Her sister didn’t.

Jungeun was selfish in thinking she was the only one of them to be affected by the accident. She may have lost a sister, but Jinsol lost her lifelong best friend. The three of them, they were a family, and now it was just the two of them.

Sooyoung, who brought them together.

Sooyoung, who was the mediator.

Sooyoung, who brightened up every room.

But now she was gone.

And Jungeun didn’t know how to handle losing the only person who understood her.

But she wasn’t the only person, because Jinsol was there from the start, too. She understood Jungeun, she loved her, she suffered the same loss that Jungeun did. And while Jungeun turned into a monster that couldn’t be stopped, Jinsol turned into a person who tried to help as many people as she could. Including Jungeun.

She didn’t want to be helped, though. She wanted to waste away and kill herself slowly because it was her fault that Sooyoung was in the car that morning. It was her fault for not being a big girl who could handle being away from home for the semester.

Jinsol stuck by her for six months after the accident. Pushed her to get help, to stop drinking. She picked Jungeun up out of the gutter every night and nursed her back to health in the morning just to watch her do it all over again. She listened to Jungeun call her every horrible name she could think of. Yet, Jinsol still told Jungeun she loved her each day.

She even told her the day she left.

Jungeun was trashed. Incoherent. Babbling ruthlessly at Jinsol as she tried to help Jungeun into the car.

“You killed her,” Jungeun screamed, voice distorted and cracking. “You killed the only person who loved me!” Jinsol was silent, ignoring the words being slung at her. But Jungeun wanted to hurt her, wanted her to feel what she felt every day without Sooyoung. But Jinsol never flinched, never gave her any sign that the words were hurting. Until she pulled up in front of Jungeun’s house and looked at her with tears falling down her face, blonde hair disheveled, eyes swollen.

“I blame myself for Sooyoung’s death as much as you do, Jungie,” Jinsol whispered firmly. “But you’re wrong about one thing; she wasn’t the only person who loves you. I do, too. I love you so much, and it kills me to see you like this. I think you and I both know Sooyoung would be so disappointed to see what you’ve turned into.”

“Don’t you dare put words into her mouth! She’s not here, she can’t—she can’t say anything anymore!”

“I know and I’m so sorry. But this isn’t the way to handle it, and you know that as much as I do.” She sighs and wipes her face. “I can’t do this anymore, Jungeun. I can’t sit here and be your punching bag. I love you, but I won’t sit by as you destroy yourself, I can’t.”

“Then you never loved me to begin with.” Jungeun didn’t wait for a response, she got out of the car and slammed the door shut behind her, stumbling drunkenly into her house. She cried herself to sleep that night.

***

Jungeun walked closer and closer to the blonde's doorstep thinking that she could get Jinsol to talk to her. Maybe she could finally tell her that after all these years she still loves her. That it took Jungeun three years and several near-death experiences to understand that she can’t keep living like that. Coming home, seeing Sooyoung’s room untouched, shocked her system to its core. She spent so long drowning her emotions that she didn’t realize that the better method would be to experience them. Feel what she needed to, talk about it, and maybe then she could move on.

The only person she knows she can talk to about Sooyoung is Jinsol.

And maybe she’ll want to, or she’ll slam the door in her face. Jungeun wouldn’t blame her if she did. What she did to Jinsol was awful. And while Jungeun is fresh out of a party and still inebriated from the alcohol, she’s starting to see that she needs to change.

Heejin is no good for her. She was a good distraction. A nice lay. But Jungeun was only a piece of meat to her; a drugged up, drunk, easily coerced piece of meat. She didn’t want to be that anymore.

Not when she’s so close to the woman she’s loved her whole life.

Not when she’s drunk enough to remember all the good times with Jinsol and Sooyoung in this town.

Not when she can finally feel something other than a high from drugs.

Eight blocks from Jinsol’s doorstep and Jungeun thinks she should turn around.

She sees the coffee shop they used to sit at for hours and do homework. And the alleyway next to it where Jinsol would kiss her before Sooyoung showed up. There’s the corner where Sooyoung broke her wrist trying to impress Kim Jiwoo in primary school. And the bus stop that would take them to the mall across town. And Mrs. Bae’s house who would give them the best candy on Halloween even as teenagers because she believed no one outgrew fun. Everything that made their childhood great, that made Jungeun, Jinsol, and Sooyoung best friends came flooding in a mile a minute.

She’s two blocks away and she’s hurting herself with each memory she drudges up. The first “I love you.” The first time they had sex. The first time they fought. When she stopped going out on Friday nights with Sooyoung and stayed in with Jinsol instead. When trying to bake turned into flour fights and flour fights turned into sex on the kitchen floor.

She should be turning around, going home. She shouldn’t be inching toward Jinsol’s front door. Maybe she should go back to Heejin, to the new normal she created for herself. Or at least go home to her parents who ignore her existence. At least then she wouldn’t be risking herself more pain.

Jungeun sees her doorstep. The chipped blue painted front door and the lantern beside the stairs that she broke the first summer they were dating. She sees Jinsol’s little blue car in the driveway, the one she rode in the last time she saw her.

Their last words ring through her ears.

_“I love you, but I won’t sit by as you destroy yourself, I can’t.”_

_“Then you never loved me to begin with.”_

Jungeun is a few steps from Jinsol’s front door before she thinks better of it and turns around. Three years later and there’s nothing more that she wants than to see the blonde girl and apologize. Explain herself. Maybe catch up if they can. But three years is a long time to be strangers to each other. Three years and so much can change. So, Jungeun turns around, heart set on giving up and trying to let go.

But the door opens behind her as she’s walking away. She turns at the sound and there she is.  
It’s late, and Jinsol is in her comfy clothes. The same ones she always wore all those years before. Including Jungeun’s old soccer sweatshirt from high school.

“Jungeun…” Jinsol says in quiet wonder. The sound of her voice makes Jungeun freeze in her spot. “Jungie, is that—is that you?” Her voice is still as deep and soft as she remembers. Still as captivating, still does things to her heart.

“Hey, Soulie, how’ve you been?” The words slide out of Jungeun’s mouth unnaturally; the world tilts and time stops. It’s like being thrown back in time to the night Jungeun realized how deeply she loved Jinsol. To the moment they collided as Jinsol ran out to get more fish food for Soul Jr. and Jungeun was rushing home from a party. To the shiny blue coat that Jinsol wore; the same one that sat in Jungeun’s closet until she finally worked up the courage to get rid of it. To the very first fluttering of butterflies in her stomach that she acknowledged as something more than an admiration for the older girl.

Everything is the same, yet so vastly different. Because this time, when those words fall from Jungeun’s lips, Jinsol doesn’t smile. She doesn’t laugh. She just moves closer to the younger girl like she’s seen a ghost.

“Why—what are you doing here?” She asks.

“I graduated,” Jungeun says dumbly, internally scolding herself for panicking.

“Why are you at my house?” Jinsol asks more firmly. Jungeun gulps, not used to being on the receiving end of Jinsol’s anger.

“Technically, I’m on the sidewalk.” Jungeun mentally slaps herself for being a smartass. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. She was supposed to be smooth, sweet, beg for forgiveness. Not act like a sarcastic ass.

“You know what I mean, Jungeun.” Silence. Jungeun sways on her feet. Her mind is racing, thoughts backing up like a highway during rush hour. She’s not sure what she thought she would say to her when they were finally face to face.

“Well, I—I came to see you. Not my—not my best idea.” Jungeun frowns.

“Feel free to leave then.” Jinsol pushes past her.

“Wait, Jinsol, that came out wrong!” She tries to follow the older girl, but she’s nervous and shaking, and still slightly intoxicated despite the sobering moment of coming face to face with the woman she once would have called the love of her life. Part of her still believes she is the greatest love she will ever have.

“What—what could you possibly have to say to me after all the years of radio silence?”

Jungeun’s mind goes blank and she says the first thing she can think of.

“I like your sweatshirt.” Jungeun wants to run, to turn back time so she can try this all over again and do it better.

The blonde’s eyebrows furrow, eyes tired. “Really? That’s it? You’re insufferable, Kim Jungeun.” Jinsol starts to walk back the way she came; toward her and away from her all at once. Jungeun sees her chance disappearing and she rushes to get the words out, everything colliding and fusing together to say what she needs to say.

First, the words coming out of her mouth sound like incoherent childish babbling.

Then, she says, “eleven blocks.”

Jinsol stops. “What are you talking about?”

“Eleven blocks…” Jungeun says again. “From my door to yours. Sometimes it feels too close. Too close to who I used to be. Too close to who we were. Sooyoung is gone. My parents hate me. And you—I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again.”

A car drives past the otherwise empty street. Leaves fly up into the air before falling down around them.

“I’m moving out.” Jungeun continues to speak as the quiet settles again. “Across town. Away from all of this—” She gestures around the two of them at the metaphorical ghosts. Jinsol still doesn’t speak. “I’m sorry, Soul. It took me a while to realize I wasn’t the only one who lost Sooyoung. She was my sister, but she was a sister to you, too. And I was your girlfriend. We both lost so much, and instead of being there for you, I turned against you. I left us both with no one, and I will regret that for the rest of my life. You deserved better than that and I will never stop being sorry for how I treated you.

“If I could take it back, I would. I don’t think—no, I know—I will never love anyone like I loved you. You were my great love and I beat myself up everyday for letting you slip away. I know nothing I say can or will make what I did in the past go away, but I hope you know how sorry I am.”

Jungeun waits a moment to see if she will say anything, but when the silence stretches on for too long, she takes that as her cue to leave. She didn’t expect Jinsol to say anything or welcome her back with open arms. But still, the silence tears a new hole inside her. She tries to walk past Jinsol quickly, hiding the tears springing up in the corner of her eyes. But then Jinsol’s voice, deep and slow, carries its way to Jungeun, echoing in the empty street.

“How far,” she calls from the same spot.

“Huh?”

“How far away is your new place?” She asks. “From here.”

“I—” Jungeun pauses knitting her brows together. “I don’t know, actually.” Jinsol nods slowly before a smile graces her lips.

“Figure it out and then comeback.” She turns on her heels and walks back into her house leaving Jungeun standing in the night alone, but, for the first time in three years, she doesn’t feel lonely.

Eleven blocks from Jungeun’s door to Jinsol’s doorstep. Three years later, it’s still too close. Too close to the ghosts of who they used to be. But maybe, a new place, a new distance, a new start is all they need to rebuild what they once had.


	2. Chapter 2

**Jinsol**

Three years later and Jinsol still can’t forget about her. Not a single word has been exchanged since she slammed the car door that night, but Jungeun has not left her mind. She’s still there as real and as tangible as Jinsol remembers. Toothy smile and loud laugh. Adventurous and full of life. Jinsol tried to keep that image of her like that in her head for as long as she could, to erase the images of a limp and vomit covered Jungeun out of her mind. She thought the years would let her forget all those times she pulled the younger girl out of parties or held her as she cried herself to sleep. She thought maybe time would let her remember only the good times.

But as she watched Jungeun sway on her feet in front of her house, as the girl apologized for what she’d done those years ago, Jinsol felt all those memories rush back in. All the bad ones. All the ones she worked so hard to push to the back of her mind. Jinsol hid those memories under warm ones, ones of flour fights and coffee dates and ice cream on the hoods of cars. She hid those memories under new ones, ones of first dates and failed relationships and friends that never stayed around long enough to get to know her.

Three years seemed like so long to go without a word spoken to Jungeun. Three years since she lost the two women who made her world keep spinning. It seemed like a long time until Jungeun was in front of her and then it seemed like no time had passed at all. Everything was the same yet so vastly different.

Friday nights...they used to mean so much more. They used to mean movie nights with Sooyoung and Jungeun. They used to mean food fights and blanket forts. Now…now they’re empty, lifeless. Jinsol tries though. She watches Zootopia and dances to Red Velvet as if each line and each step isn’t tearing open old wounds. She tries to teach her betta fish to jump out of the water for treats to no avail. She wears the same pjs she did all those years ago, Jungeun’s soccer hoodie included. She tries to feel normal. To feel happy despite the obvious empty spaces beside her.

It works…most nights.

Other nights she stares at the picture frame beside her bed, three young girls smiling faces staring back at her. The unstoppable trio. They really thought nothing could tear them apart. Jinsol remembers having to convince Sooyoung to let Jungeun play with them. Ten years old and Sooyoung wanted nothing to do with her baby sister. Jungeun was always hanging around them, trying to join in. Jinsol could see she just wanted to belong somewhere. She didn’t connect with the kids her age, she was lonely. And the blonde couldn’t resist the pout sent their way whenever Sooyoung shooed her sister out of the room or sent her back home. Even from the start, Jinsol had a soft spot for Jungeun.

“Just let her play with us, Sooyoungie,” Jinsol pouted, eyes wide and doll-like.

“I don’t wanna, she’s a baby!” Sooyoung stomped her foot, crossing her arms.

“She’s barely younger than us, come on,” Jinsol turned and pointed to Jungeun sitting alone on the swing set. Other kids ran around her playing tag but didn’t invite her to join. Jungeun watched sadly, swinging with her feet dragging through the dirt. “She’s your sister now, even if you don’t like it. She’s sad and alone and she doesn’t have to be.”

Sooyoung eyed her newly adopted little sister cautiously. She watched as the other kids bumped into her swing, didn’t apologize or ask the lone little girl to play. Jinsol could see her best friend contemplating before Sooyoung marched over to the other kids and started yelling at them. Jinsol chuckled as the kids backed up fearfully before apologizing to Jungeun.

A moment later and Sooyoung appeared with Jungeun in tow.

It was the three of them ever since.

Sooyoung begrudgingly letting Jungeun join, though she’d never admit that with her little sister around. As they got older, the sisters got closer. They all did. But Jinsol noticed it was no longer a chore to convince Sooyoung to let Jungeun join.

Movie night with the three of them was Sooyoung’s idea.

That was the picture in the frame, the three of the cuddled up on the couch. Matching pineapple pjs and a bowl of popcorn in Jinsol’s lap. Wide, crooked smiles. Arms slung over shoulders. The love for each other radiating through the picture.

Those nights that she stares at the photograph she lets herself cry. She lets herself wish for a time machine to turn it all back. To change the outcome. Jinsol lets herself pretend that Sooyoung and Jungeun are there with her, laughing at how she knows every line in Zootopia and how she really can’t bake but she tries anyway. Those nights—those nights hurt the most.

The night Jungeun shows up outside her house was going to be one of those nights. Jinsol knew from the moment she put Jungeun’s old hoodie on that she wasn’t going to have a good night. Tears bubbled up in her eyes as she read the faded letters of Jungeun’s name on the sleeve. She traced the letters slowly, her heart clenching in her chest. The room around her felt too small, too suffocating. Pictures of them, old articles of clothing, one of Jungeun’s notebooks still sits on her desk, Sooyoung’s hat hangs on her wall. Jinsol couldn’t bear to part with any of it. It was all she had left of either of them. The idea of getting rid of it hurt too much; a finality to everything they had together.

Jinsol couldn’t find the air to breathe, couldn’t stand being in the room filled with all the reminders of what she’ll never get back. It doesn’t take long for her to push herself out the front door to get air, clear her head, go for a walk far away from the memories of the people she can’t shake no matter how hard she tries. No matter how many years pass by.

The last thing Jinsol expected when she stepped out of her house was to see the silhouette of the woman that has haunted her dreams and memories. She couldn’t stop the name from sliding out of her mouth softly, hesitantly, as if the moment the words met the air, they would shatter whatever illusion lay before her eyes.

“Jungeun…Jungie, is that—is that you?” The person stopped walking and turned to face Jinsol. All the air left Jinsol’s lungs. The face she had thought about, dreamt about, wished to see again was there. Right in front of her. Uneasy on her feet, swaying in a way that brought a sour taste into Jinsol’s mouth. Jungeun was drunk again. Of course, she was. The dash of hope Jinsol felt dissipated. She listened to the younger girl stutter over half-assed, sarcastic remarks. She watched as Jungeun struggled with what she wanted to say.

Jinsol couldn’t help but get frustrated, angry. Three years of radio silence and she thought it was okay to show up at her door drunk and blabbering about nothing. She pushed past her, trying to leave the same way Jungeun did those years ago. With the final word and image of her retreating figure.

Jinsol wanted to go back inside, back home, away from the real Jungeun and back to the one she remembered falling in love with. At least that hurt less than seeing Jungeun hadn’t changed at all. It hurt less than having to watch her continue to destroy herself. She couldn’t put herself through that again, couldn’t watch the woman she undoubtedly still loved kill herself.

She was almost to her door, heart heavy, stomach twisting when Jungeun yelled to her.

Eleven blocks. Jungeun had counted. Memorized the distance between the two of them. She may be drunk, but it was obvious to Jinsol that everything the younger was saying wasn’t a spur of the moment speech. This was something she’s thought about, something that’s been weighing on her.

“If I could take it back, I would. I don’t think—no, I know—I will never love anyone like I loved you. You were my great love and I beat myself up everyday for letting you slip away. I know nothing I say can or will make what I did in the past go away, but I hope you know how sorry I am,” Jungeun finished speaking and looked at Jinsol expectantly. But Jinsol couldn’t find the words. She imagined this day, every day, from the moment Sooyoung died. She wanted to hear these words more than anything. It didn’t heal the pain, it didn’t bring Sooyoung back or change the years that Jinsol spent without them. But it was a temporary fix.

For now, it was enough. Jinsol walked away with a spark of hope igniting inside her, she wished for Jungeun to feel that too. 

_Figure it out. Figure yourself out. But come back, Jungeun. Please, come back._

***

It’s been two weeks. Two weeks since Jinsol talked to Jungeun. It’s back to radio silence. Back to her usual routine. Work, cooking, cleaning, sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Back to noticing the empty space beside her in the car, on the couch, in her bed. Back to pushing the pain away by helping others and reliving old memories.

She still remembers the day she realized she loved Jungeun more than her best friend. Jinsol and Sooyoung were in their last year of high school. The excitement of going off to college radiating off the two of them, especially because they were going together. They refused to do otherwise. Neither could imagine a day where they wouldn’t have the other by their side. It was a promise they made as kids and they were going to keep it.

But Jungeun wasn’t as enthusiastic about it. Jinsol could tell every time that Sooyoung or Jinsol brought up college. Jungeun would fall silent. She would leave the room. Jinsol thought maybe she was sad about them leaving her behind, but Jungeun never wanted to talk about it. Not with her.

Jinsol and Sooyoung leaving was inevitable. Jungeun knew that. And maybe that’s why she tried to branch out more. Maybe that’s why Jungeun stopped hanging around the older girls and started hanging out with other girls on the soccer team with her. Maybe that’s why Jungeun got a girlfriend, Lee Gahyeon. Jinsol knew of her, a loud girl in Jungeun’s grade. She was beautiful, intelligent, hilarious. She knew how to make Jungeun laugh. How to make her smile. Gahyeon did goofy impersonations that left Jungeun in stitches.

Jinsol thought that was her thing with Jungeun. She tried not to let it sting the more Jungeun ditched her and Sooyoung for Gahyeon and her friends.

Jinsol thought she was Jungeun’s biggest fan at her soccer games. She screamed the loudest and Jungeun always pointed to her when she got a goal or their team won. Jinsol was the first person Jungeun ran to.

Not anymore.

When Jungeun got a goal, she pointed to Gahyeon. Gahyeon who screamed the loudest. Gahyeon who got all of Jungeun’s attention. Gahyeon who Jungeun ran to and kissed when their team won.

Jinsol faded to the background. That’s when she realized that the twisting in her stomach wasn’t because of what she ate that day or anxiety for a test. She realized the moment that she was no longer Jungeun’s number one she despised the girl who took her place. She wanted to be the one Jungeun pointed to with a smug grin. She wanted to be the one who held Jungeun’s sweaty body when they won the game. She wanted to be the one kissing her. Not Gahyeon.

Jinsol told Sooyoung. She couldn’t hold it in anymore, couldn’t hide the fact that she had unknowingly fallen in love with her best friends’ sister. Sooyoung smiled sadly, she’d known long before Jinsol that somewhere between the late-night conversations, the movie night cuddles, the inside jokes, Jinsol had fallen in love with Jungeun.

But it was too late.

She missed her chance. Jungeun was happy with Gahyeon. Jinsol was leaving for college soon and Jungeun was finally branching out. What kind of friend would she be to ruin her best friends’ happiness? So Jinsol sat by and watched Jungeun get giddy about dates with Gahyeon. She listened as Jungeun gushed about her girlfriend and told stories about her new friends. It made Jinsol’s stomach wrench and churn in a way that she had never experienced before. She was angry, frustrated, jealous. At herself for waiting too long to realize. At Jungeun for not noticing her discomfort.

She held it together for Jungeun. Until she saw the younger girl crying between classes, hidden in an empty stairwell. Jinsol knew before she asked that something happened with Gahyeon.

“I’m alone again,” Jungeun cried. “My friends were her friends first, they’re not—they’re not gonna—” The younger cried into Jinsol’s chest.

“You’re not alone, Jungie, you have me and Soo still.” Jinsol ran her hands through Jungeun’s hair slowly.

“I am alone, you’re both leaving me. Everyone is leaving me.”

“I will always come back for you, you’re not going to be alone,” Jinsol tried to soothe her. Tried to reassure her that everything would be fine. She should’ve said something then, should have told her that she would come back for her because she loved her. That no matter what, Jungeun would always be on Jinsol’s mind.

She didn’t.

It took her a year to admit her feelings to Jungeun.

It was messy, and late at night, and Jungeun didn’t believe her. Jinsol listened as the younger girl cried that night in the basement. She listened to her lay her emotions bear, to put her heart on the line. She watched the pain flicker across Jungeun’s eyes at the prospect that Jinsol wouldn’t feel the same.

Jinsol’s heart swelled when Jungeun said she loved her. She had been wanting to hear those words for so long. She ignored every person who tried to flirt with her or ask her on dates while she was at school. Sooyoung tried to get her to move on from her sister. She dragged Jinsol to parties and nightclubs. She introduced her to woman after woman in hopes of shaking her best friend of this rain cloud hanging over her.

Nothing worked.

Until they went home for winter break. Sooyoung left the two of them alone and knew the next morning that things went well by the not-so subtle heart eyes being sent across the table or the hands that couldn’t keep to themselves. Their secret relationship didn’t stay a secret for long. Jinsol knew it wouldn’t, not with the way they couldn’t stand to be more than a few inches away from each other. But Sooyoung was happy for them. Happy she didn’t have to listen to Jinsol whine about it anymore. They were still the unstoppable trio, inseparable and troublemaking. They were Sooyoung, Jinsol, and Jungeun.

Until three years ago when it became Jinsol and Jungeun.

And then just Jinsol.

And just Jungeun.

***

Three years ago, Sooyoung showed up outside Jinsol’s dorm room. She was disheveled, shaking. Jinsol knew something was wrong.

“I’m worried about Jungie,” she said as Jinsol let her into her room. “She’s not doing well at college and I—we need to pack a bag and we need to go see her.”

“What, what’s wrong? Why didn’t she say anything to me?”

“I don’t know, Soul, but we need to go,” Sooyoung wandered around her friend’s room throwing random clothes into a bag and trying to shove them out the door.

“Soo. Sooyoung!” Jinsol called her name grabbing the dark-haired girl by her wrist. “It’s three in the morning, we’re not going anywhere. What did Jungeun say?”

“She was crying so hard I could barely make anything out. She’s sad and lonely. I told her we’d be there tomorrow.”

“Okay, then we’ll leave in the morning, it’s too late to go right now, okay?” Jinsol pried the bag from Sooyoung’s hand and pulled the girl over to her bed. “Come on, we’ll sleep a few more hours and then we’ll go. You’ll see her in the morning.”

She didn’t.

Jinsol and Sooyoung left the next morning in a flurry of anxiety and excitement of seeing the younger girl. They were so close to the campus. So close to Jungeun when that car came out of nowhere. Jinsol couldn’t remember if she made sure there were no cars coming when the light turned green. She couldn’t remember if she sped up or slowed down when she noticed. She couldn’t remember anything but the screams and the deafening silence that followed the telephone pole hitting the roof of the car.

Sooyoung was still awake. She remembered that. She remembered reaching over and trying to keep her best friend awake. Blood covering both of them, ambulance sirens in the distance. She remembered screaming, trying to get the buckle off.

Sooyoung was alive when they reached the hospital.

She wasn’t alive when Jinsol woke up.

Jinsol wished she didn’t wake up at all.

She was pretty sure Jungeun shared that sentiment.

***

It’s been three years and Jinsol still visits Sooyoung’s grave every week. She goes without fail. The first time was a week after the funeral. She spent the night before dragging Jungeun out of a party. The younger girl screaming at her that she wasn’t done, that she wanted to keep playing beer pong.

“I have to win, Sooyoung and I always won! I need to win for her!” Jungeun yelled as Jinsol put her into the car, buckling her in neatly and closing the door. She took a minute outside the car to take a deep breath. It wasn’t the first time this week Jinsol had to drive to Jungeun’s campus to take care of her. It wasn’t the first time this week that Jungeun called her drunk and sobbing. It wasn’t going to be the last time either.

Jinsol showed up to Sooyoung’s grave the next morning leaving a hungover Jungeun in bed. Jinsol sat next to the grave and cried. She didn’t speak to Sooyoung. She just sat there next to her best friend and cried. All the emotions she felt and kept inside boiling up and over as she sat there on the dirt.

She missed the feeling of Sooyoung’s arms around her as she cried. She missed her warmth and her advice. She missed how she always knew what to say to cheer Jinsol up. Jinsol missed Sooyoung, there was nothing this cold slab of rock could do to make her feel better. But she was here, she didn’t know where else to go. Jinsol didn’t have anyone to run to anymore, not her other friends who didn’t understand. Not her parents who were grieving the loss of someone who they considered a second daughter. And not to Jungeun who blamed Jinsol for the loss of her sister.

Jinsol had no one. So she cried to the stone that represented her best friend now.

The next time Jinsol came to visit Sooyoung, Jungeun hadn’t talked to her in four days. She didn’t know where she was, if she was okay. She tried…she tried to reach out to be there for her, but Jungeun kept pushing her away. That’s what hurt the most out of all of it. Not only had Jinsol lost Sooyoung, but she was losing Jungeun, too.

Jinsol sat in the same spot next to Sooyoung’s gravestone, leaning against the cold rock. It was the closest she could get to a hug from her. She didn’t cry at first, she just looked out at the rest of the graves that lined the cemetery. She watched birds soar through the clear skies and land in the trees in the distance. She sat there for hours watching the world continue to move on, continue to spin, while she felt stuck. Everyone was moving on and Sooyoung couldn’t. Sooyoung never would. Jungeun and Jinsol would age past her.

They would celebrate their birthdays without her for the first time in nearly a decade. There will be no more movie nights. No more dance parties. There will be no more trio. They weren’t unstoppable. They weren’t inseparable.

Jinsol cried as the sun set washed the pale tombstone in a ray of warmth. She took it as a sign from her friend, the hug she so desperately needed.  
Jinsol kept visiting every week. For a while she was afraid to speak. Speaking to a grave made it all the more real that Sooyoung wasn’t coming back. Though the few months that have passed should have solidified that idea in Jinsol’s head. She still kept thinking that Sooyoung would walk through her front door with a smirk on her face and a bottle of wine. That never happened.

Instead, Jinsol spent those months keeping her girlfriend from drinking herself to death. Keeping Jungeun from passing out in the street or out of unfavorable hands at a party. Jinsol loved the younger girl, she loved how in her coherent moments she would smile that smile that made Jinsol’s knees go weak. She loved those moments when they could laugh, they could hold each other and speak softly. She loved those moments because they were so few and far in between now.

When they laughed, Jinsol could see the moment Jungeun would pull back. The way her eyes glazed over and looked off into the distance. She knew that Jungeun was thinking of Sooyoung. It was hard not to feel guilty for feeling a moment of happiness when Sooyoung didn’t get to. Jinsol knew when that look crossed Jungeun’s face that they were going to have a long night of harsh liquor and even harsher words.

Jinsol remembered finding Jungeun in some fraternity house at her college. Jungeun had called her again, her words slurring heavily as she recounted how she won seven games of beer pong in a row.

“Sooyoungie would be proud right?” Jungeun slurred through the speaker. Jinsol managed to get her location out of her and rushed there as soon as she could. But it takes hours, it takes too long to cross the distance between them. When she shows up the fraternity house is packed, bodies spilling out onto the lawn. She pushed through the crowd eyes scanning the crowd desperately searching for her girlfriend.

Jinsol finds her in the kitchen taking a body shot off another girl. Jinsol couldn’t stand to watch not when she could see how unsteady Jungeun was on her feet. People around her girlfriend are cheering her on wanting to watch the two women kiss. Jinsol didn’t hesitate to grab the younger girl by her arm and drag her away from the scene.

“Hey, what the fuck, Jin!” She yelled ripping her arm away from the blondes grip. “I wasn’t done.”

“Yes, you are, we’re going back to your dorm.” Jinsoul grabbed Jungeun’s hand again and pushed her into the car with ease. The scene something she’d grown accustomed to. She braced herself for the onslaught of words when she got into the driver's seat.

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Apparently, you do,” Jinsol sighed and turned the car on to leave. “You were really gonna kiss that girl, huh?”

“What does it matter to you? You’re never around.” Jungeun’s words tumbled over each other.

“I’m still your girlfriend, Jungie,” Jinsol whispered, keeping her eyes on the road. At least if she focused on the blurring lines she wouldn’t cry. She couldn’t cry. Not here. “I still love you.”

“I hate you,” Jungeun’s voice turned cold. “You ruined my fun. You killed my sister. I don’t want anything to do with you. I don’t know why you keep showing up.”

The words were daggers to Jinsol’s heart. They weren’t new, they were repeated every night Jinsol came to get Jungeun from one party or another. Yet each time they stung just the same. They echoed in her head pushing out the sweet words Jungeun used to say.

“I show up because I love you, because you call me. Because I care, Jungeun. When are you gonna cut the shit and realize that I’m not leaving?” Jinsol finally said after pushing her tears back down.

“That’s what everyone says,” Jungeun mumbled, head resting on the window. “You’ll leave sooner or later. They all do.”

The next time Jinsol visited Sooyoung she spoke for the first time. Jungeun sent her a text to leave her alone, to stop showing up. Jinsol knew she didn’t mean it, knew that Jungeun wanted to push her away, to suffer alone. She thought she deserved it. Jinsol understood that. She pushed everyone else away, too. But she wanted to keep Jungeun close, wanted to be with her. She was the only other person she had left, the only person that she loved, that understood the pain of losing Sooyoung. It didn’t seem like Jungeun wanted Jinsol to share in that pain with her. She blamed her for the death of her sister after all.

Jinsol sat next to the gravestone, leaning on it begging for an embrace she knew would never come. Still, she found comfort in it now. She stayed silent for a moment thinking about how much had changed since Soo died.

“Hey, Sooyoungie,” Jinsol closed her eyes missing the dark eyes that would shine at the nickname. “I—I miss you a lot. I’m sorry I come here and don’t speak, it’s not easy, you know? Talking to you out loud feels like this is final, like admitting that you aren’t coming back. I guess this is me admitting that.” Jinsol took an uneasy breath. “You’re gone, Sooyoung, and you’re not going to walk through the door and tease me ever again. We’re not going to have breakfast in the cafeteria together anymore. We’re not going to study for our exams together anymore. We’re not going to tease Jungeun together anymore. There’s no “we” anymore, there will never be a “we” again. That’s all in the past and coming to terms with that is hard….I think it’s harder for your sister…”

Jinsol felt a tear slid down her face at the mention of Jungeun struggling. The younger girl crying into her arms the night before, whimpering for a chance to go back and never call Sooyoung in the middle of her breakdown. Full bodied sobs and choking on air trying to get her lungs to start back up again. Jinsol held her, it was all she could do. She wished Jungeun would just let herself feel these emotions instead of drinking them away.

“I don’t know what to do anymore, Sooyoungie,” Jinsol whispered through her tears. “I’ve tried to be there for her, tried to hold her pieces together, to pick her up every night when she’s drunk out of her mind…I don’t know what to do. She won’t talk to me, she’d rather drink than feel these things.

“I know it’s hard, I’ve been doing it. I’ve felt every single emotion that losing you has brought me. I feel the empty space next to me in classes. I feel the anger at the driver for making me swerve; the anger at myself for not reacting better. I let myself cry when I need to, laugh when I want to, scream when I have to. Jungeun doesn’t want to feel. It’s easier that way. To be numb…she doesn’t have to face this. I wish she would.”

The air around her is cold. Wind ruffling the leaves and sending them scattered around the cemetery. No one is here but her.

“You’d kick her ass if you saw her right now, Soo.” Jinsol lets herself chuckle at the image of Sooyoung yelling at Jungeun. “She’s not okay. I keep thinking maybe she needs more time. More love. More _something_. But nothing is getting through to her and I’m tired. Fuck, it sounds so selfish to say that. She lost you, her big sister. That’s not something someone can just bounce back from, but she’s—she’s not even trying. Why won’t she just try!” Jinsol was screaming at that point, tears rushing like a river down her face. “I promised you when I started dating Jungeun that I would take care of her, that I would protect her. But…I don’t think I can do this constant battle with her. I lost you, Sooyoung, and I’m losing her, too.” Her voice died down. Broken. Hoarse.  
She rested her head against the stone. “I don’t know what else to do…I really don’t…but I’m going to try to keep my promise to you.”

Two days later Jungeun and Jinsol fought for the last time. Jinsol had never let Jungeun know how much her words hurt her. She didn’t want the younger girl to see that she was hurting her, that she was pushing her away. That’s what Jungeun wanted. But this was too much. Jinsol couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t be her punching bag. Couldn’t listen to Jungeun call her a killer again and again.

“I love you, but I won’t sit by as you destroy yourself, I can’t.” Jinsol spoke those words and knew immediately that Jungeun wouldn’t take it well. She knew. Yet she said them anyway. She didn’t backtrack, didn’t try to adjust their meaning. She looked at Jungeun as the words hit her and watched her face crumble for a split second before she hid it behind a steely gaze.

“Then you never loved me to begin with.” Jinsol watched her leave with the final word and a retreating figure. She watched as the door shut and she felt as her heart broke, the sob she held in that whole drive ripped through her. Her head dropped to the steering wheel, blonde hair creating a thinly veiled curtain around her as she cried.

“I’m sorry, Sooyoung, I’m so sorry. I love her, I love her so much, but I can’t watch her die, too.” 

***

Jinsol can’t help the disappointment when her phone buzzes and it’s not Jungeun. She shouldn’t be surprised; three years and a random appearance doesn’t mean their relationship is going to improve. Jinsol can only hope that every time her phone goes off that it’s Jungeun. Her number hasn’t changed, she just hopes that Jungeun didn’t delete it.

She sighs for the fifth time when the notification on her phone doesn’t read out the familiar name. Even though Jungeun has been on her mind from the day she left, this is a new kind of torture. Knowing that the younger girl is out there somewhere thinking about her too…she could be closer than she thinks and Jinsol would have no idea.

An uneasy twist in her stomach draws her back to the present. She tucks her phone into her bag and leaves her house. She wore the same thing when she went to visit Sooyoung, it was a comfort thing, a routine. Jungeun’s old hoodie and Sooyoung’s favorite baseball cap. Jinsol liked having them both with her while she sat next to the grave and talked. Spending that time with Sooyoung, catching her up on her life, it was something Jinsol grew used to. She missed her best friend desperately, but over time it got easier. It still hurt; it will always hurt. But as time went on and the world kept spinning, Jinsol had to keep moving with it. She always made time for Sooyoung though, no matter how many years, no matter the weather or the kind of day she’s had, Jinsol always goes to the cemetery. Every week. Without fail.

This week is no exception. Despite the run in with Jungeun, Jinsol was not going to let that stop her from talking to her best friend. So, she carries her bag with her out the door and down to the cemetery.  
In the three years since Sooyoung died, Jinsol has never seen another person leave flowers or visit her grave. It has always just been Jinsol every week with fresh flowers and a new story. Stories about terrible dates and awful coworkers. Stories about almost setting the kitchen on fire trying to make that one dish Sooyoung swore she’d teach her but never got the chance to. Stories from their past, retellings of old adventurous that Jinsol knows Sooyoung would tell her she’s telling all wrong.

And then there were the days that she said nothing. She let the cold feeling of the headstone keep her company as she let out the tears that so often built up.

Some days are better than others.

Some days are rock bottom. Those days Jinsol screams for relief, cries for time to reverse, pounds her fists in the dirt and begs for this pain to subside. Those days Jinsol never talks about. She brushes herself off and goes home, only to come back the next week with a new story to tell.

Through all of that, there is an emptiness inside her. An emptiness that no flowers, no movie nights or dance parties, no screaming or crying could ever fill. The only thing that can fill that hole is having her best friend back.

Sooyoung, with her wide smile that lit up the room.

Sooyoung, with her fierce loyalty.

Sooyoung, with her heart of gold.

She was gone.

And Jinsol didn’t know how to go on most days without her.

But she wasn’t the only person she was struggling without. Jungeun left a large hole inside her too. Right next to her sisters. Most days it was hard to breathe because of it. Today is one of those days.

She took the familiar path to Sooyoung’s grave, feet carrying her there automatically as her mind wanders. Jinsol almost doesn’t notice there’s a person at Sooyoung’s grave but the familiar figure makes her stop.

Jungeun sits in front of her sister’s grave for what Jinsol knows is the first time. Her shoulders are shaking, her voice carrying the short distance to where Jinsol has stopped.

“I’ve done a lot of stupid shit, Soo,” Jungeun says through her tears. “You’d kick my ass; I know you would. Binge drinking, drugs, meaningless hookups…you’d be disappointed. Jinsol was right about that.” Jinsol’s heart wrenches at the broken voice that reaches her ears. Jungeun shifts and wipes her face on the sleeve of her shirt.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to come see you. I’ve wanted to, but it’s been hard. I blamed myself for you dying, I was the reason you were in that car. Three years isn’t a long time, but I’m older than you now. Older than you were when you died. I hate that. Every day I wish it was me instead. Jinsol would have her best friend, our parents would have the daughter they actually want…I wish it didn’t have to be anyone. I wish you were still here teasing me and pinching my cheeks because you know I hate it. I wish you were here to tell me what to do because I’m so lost without you.” She takes a deep breath, a sob ripping through her. “I’m—I’m so lost without you, Sooyoung. You’d know what to do right now, you’d tell me how I can fix what happened with me and Jinsol. I’m doing the best I can, trying to make the changes I need to.

“I moved out of our parents house. They haven’t spoken more than a handful of words to me since you died. It kills me that they blame me so adamantly for your death…I don’t blame them. I know it was no one’s fault but the asshole that ran a red light....” Jungeun wraps her arms around herself, holding the pieces that are left of her tightly together. Jinsol wants to run to her, to hold her. But her feet are frozen in their spot. “I stopped drinking. It hasn’t been easy, but I—I want to show Jinsol that I can be better. For her and for me. I love her so much, Sooyoungie, you of all people know that. You teased me so much as a kid for my crush on her. It’s not just a crush anymore, I’ve been in love with her since I was sixteen. I had her and I lost her, Soo. Just like I did with you. I don’t want to lose her forever…I can’t stand to not have her in my life anymore.

“You’re gone, but I can still have her in my life. I’m gonna do everything I can to get her back. I’m not going to touch a drink, I’m not going to be the person I have been. She deserves better. Jinsol deserves better,” Jungeun says fiercely before she takes a deep breath. “I love you, Sooyoungie. I promise I’ll visit more; I’ve missed talking to you.”

Jinsol leaves the flowers near the tree she hid behind and slowly makes her way out of the cemetery. The words she overheard from Jungeun replay in her head settling an unease she has felt over the past two weeks.

She wasn’t ignoring Jinsol. She wasn’t out on a bender or sleeping with someone new. She was detoxing. She was trying to get better. For Jinsol. For herself. Jinsol could cry with how happy she feels thinking about Jungeun finally working toward a healthier life. She could cry knowing that Jungeun is talking to Sooyoung because she knows how cathartic it was for her to start doing so. 

When Jinsol gets home she doesn’t climb into bed and cry like she usually does after visiting Sooyoung.

No, she puts on her pineapple pjs and puts on Zootopia. Quoting every line and smiling.

***

Jinsol had to go out the next night to get more treats for Soul IV. The fourth in the long line of blue betta fish Jinsol had growing up. Soul Jr. died not too long after Sooyoung did, she was the one who bought the fish for Jinsol, so the timing was eerie. Jinsol went to buy a new one the day after. But Soul II didn’t live much longer, she thinks it was a sick fish to begin with. Soul III lived up until three months ago, that was a good fish. The first one Jinsol was able to teach to jump out of the water for a treat. It was a sad burial to have. Jinsol is hoping that Soul IV will be able to learn the trick as quickly as its predecessor.

Jinsol remembers how Jungeun and Sooyoung would tease her as she tried to teach Soul Jr. to hop out of the water for a treat. She had seen it in a video and thought it couldn’t be that difficult to do. There are a few steps to it but it couldn’t take too long.

It clearly took three fish and more than three years to teach a fish to be able to do this. Jinsol was determined to teach Soul IV. That’s why she had a late-night pet store run. It’s a Friday night and she had nothing else planned but listening to music and trying to teach Soul IV this stupid trick.

She drove down her street back to her house humming along to the radio, fish treats securely tucked away in her jacket pocket. It was dark, but she could see a figure running on the street, white stripes on their shoes reflecting the headlights. Jinsol moved around them and kept heading home.

The moment her feet crossed the threshold of the house she kicked her shoes off and walked her way over to the fish tank in the living room. Soul IV, a deep blue betta fish, swam happily in its tank. Brightly colored rocks rested on the bottom and a little castle sat atop them for the fish to hide in.

“Hi there, baby,” Jinsol smiled at the fish. “Ready to be the coolest fish in the house?” The betta swishes its tail. “I’m taking that as a yes.” Jinsol stepped away from the tank to go change into her comfy clothes. She threw on her sweatpants and the usual of Jungeun’s old hoodie.

She hasn’t heard from or seen the other girl since the day in the cemetery. But Jinsol wasn’t stressing about it. She heard Jungeun’s words, she heard the sincerity in them. She can only wait for the younger girl to come back to her. Jinsol hopes it doesn’t take the younger girl another three years to do so.

She’s been having a few good days. The blonde went to visit Sooyoung the day after she saw Jungeun there. She talked about what it was like to see Jungeun again after all that time. Jinsol worried that Jungeun wasn’t going to get the help she needed, but she admitted to Sooyoung that she overheard what her sister had said.

“I’m happy that she’s getting better. You should have seen her before, Soo. I wish you could see her now, see us both now. We’re a mess, but I know you would still love us anyway. I’d like to come here with Jungeun one day, when she’s ready. I think it would be nice, you know? Reunite the trio the best way we can.” Jinsol cried that day, but it wasn’t sad. It wasn’t because she was hurting. It’s because for the first time she felt hopeful for the future.

She still feels hopeful despite the silence from Jungeun. All she can do is wait, and she’s waited for three years.

“Alright, Soul IV, are you re—” Jinsol is interrupted by a knocking at her door. She glances at the clock on the wall. “What is someone doing here this late?”

The knocking gets louder.

Jinsol sighs and puts the fish treats back down to answer the front door. When she swings it open she isn’t expecting to find a sweaty and out of breath Jungeun.

“What are you—”

“Twenty-six blocks,” Jungeun wheezes. Jinsol blinks at the younger girl as she hunches over, holding her finger up in the air. Jinsol waits as she catches her breath and looks back up, eyes meeting Jinsol’s. And that smile, that toothy grin that makes Jinsol’s knees weak and sends her heart into overdrive stares back at her. She forgets how to breathe. “From my new place to here, it’s twenty-six bl—”

Jinsol surges forward and kisses her. She can’t hold back anymore, she can’t. Not when Jungeun is standing there with this proud little smile on her face. Not when Jungeun looks so healthy, so happy. Not when Jinsol can finally feel that hole in her chest that Jungeun left all those years ago close. She kisses her with everything she has. All the sadness, all the loneliness, all the anger and happiness that Jungeun had left her with. She kisses her with bruising force because she needs to feel it. She needs to feel that Jungeun is real, that this is real. And the way Jungeun kisses her back lets her know it is.

“That’s not how I pictured this going…” Jungeun mutters when they pull away from each other. Jinsol blushes.

“Twenty-six blocks, huh?” Jinsol asks pulling Jungeun inside and looks at her sweaty appearance. “What’d you do, run here?”

Jungeun’s ears get red, “um, yeah. You drove past me…” Jinsol thinks back to the person in the street earlier and she laughs. A few moments later Jungeun joins in.

“You—you look good by the way,” Jinsol grabs her hand, a shy smile. Jungeun stumbles over her words making Jinsol laugh again. She kisses the younger girl's cheek before tugging her into the living room. “You’re just in time to help me teach Soul IV to jump!”

“Soulie, you’re still on th—wait, the _fourth_?”

“That’s what I said,” Jinsol grins. “Now, hold this.” She hands her the treats and turns music on. The sound of their old playlist from high school fills the air. Jungeun and her share a sad smile remembering Sooyoung’s insistence on making a playlist they can always share and go back to for nostalgia purposes. They let the sadness sit in the room with them as they teach Soul IV a new trick. It doesn’t stop them from enjoying each other’s presence, because after three years, at least one of the spots next to them no longer needs to be empty.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to follow me on twitter @/zags96
> 
> ask me things here: https://curiouscat.qa/zags96


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